Perhaps it’s a dubious honor to be mentioned in The Onion, but it’s still a widely read national newspaper, so it can’t be all that bad. Karen Mills, head of the U.S. Small Business Administrationand spouse of Bowdoin President Barry Mills, has, allegedly, released a new report that reveals the grave threat to small companies when they’re on fire.

The Onion reports: “The data we’ve gathered reveals a consistent pattern of business failure shortly after the start of a fire, which can lead both to inventory problems and a difficulty attracting customers, who, quite frankly, do not wish to step into a retail location that is currently ablaze,” said SBA administrator Karen Mills, whose staff inspected dozens of flaming businesses in preparing the report.

“For example, a small family-run electronics store in a downtown location with thick, choking smoke raging through its aisles is going to be hard-pressed to compete with the big box stores that have highly competitive prices and aren’t on fire.”