Epic Christmas Bedtime Story
How Santa and the Super Scrubs
Saved Christmas from Political Correctness
by Peter Slovenski
illustrations by Sam Tung
Good children were ready on Christmas Eve
To learn that it's better to give than receive.
Children gave gifts to their sisters and brothers.
They gave to the poor; they gave to their mothers.
And far to the north Santa left his work shop,
To make it on time for his first Christmas stop.
But while Santa was cruising at a safe fifty-five,
Something was thrown that stopped his drive.
Red Tape was tossed all over the sleigh.
Santa struggled, but could not break away.
He was stopped in his tracks, and Santa saw
That this was the work of attorneys-at-law.
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Out jumped two lawyers who were evil spoilsports,
They were joined by a band of rotten Cohorts.
The lawyers were partners named Shark & McFinch.
They were twice as immoral as Scrooge or the Grinch.
They gagged Santa with Red Tape before he could speak,
Because the wisdom of his words was sharp and unique.
The villains laughed with great pride at Santa’s sad plight,
And at the children who would lose out on that winter night.
Now after this sinister and deplorable hijacking,
The lawyers sent Santa’s sad reindeer packing.
At first the dangerous threats of Shark and McFinch
Could not make the deer leave while Santa was in a pinch.
But then Shark sat down calmly with an evil grin,
And next he tucked a dinner napkin under his chin.
“Now reindeer, beat a trail through the snow flakes,”
Or I’ll carve you into tasty reindeer steaks.”
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Though the reindeer were loyal almost to the last,
This was no idle threat, so they got out of there fast.
But as they were leaving, they quietly plotted
A way to return without being spotted.
They longed to help Santa, a good friend in need,
For Christmas was approaching with all too much speed.
“Oh what can we do? Oh, who can help out?
For we are just reindeer with very little clout.”
“What do the evil doers have in their minds?
Only hardship and sadness come from such kinds.”
With no knowledge of what or even of whom,
And with Santa approaching almost certain doom,
The reindeer minds were temporarily set at ease
When they remembered a commercial on one of Santa’s TV’s.
“I know where we can turn to find someone courageous,
Let’s go to a phone book and look in the yellow pages.”
So off they traveled to gather a glance
At the only book that could offer them a chance.
A chance to acquire the assistance of pros,
A chance to find qualified super heroes.
Champions to save Christmas from a terrible fall.
But they could not find a crime fighter to answer their call.
The reindeer tried to contact heroes of various sorts
But the heroes were busy dodging lawsuits in courts.
Meanwhile Santa was also worried about his condition.
Who could he turn to? McFinch and Shark wouldn’t listen.
Santa thought he had a chance of making an escape
If the lawyers had forgotten to tighten the Red Tape.
But, oh, it was tight, and Santa was trapped;
It looked like his gifts would remain sadly unwrapped.
McFinch and his partners, their plans yet to unfold,
Were to dress up as Santas, before the night was too old,
And all over the country they would bind up and drape
Christmas decorations with entangling Red Tape.
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By spreading this tape on the land all around,
Laughter and happiness would nowhere be found.
Instead of greeting each other with a smile and a hug,
Children would wake up and scowl “Bah Humbug!”
Oh, Shark and McFinch had planned this hijacking well,
They had gagged the only man who could undo the spell.
Santa’s pointed words of common sense, were just the right shape,
To cut through the fabric of the dreaded Red Tape.
The lawyers started their plot in spite of Santa's pleadings,
While the reindeer found the super heroes trapped in legal proceedings.
Vixen said, “Forget super heroes. They are just a bunch of dubs.
I think it would be faster to hire the Super Scrubs.”
They put in a call to Super Scrub headquarters
Requesting that they come right away to the Arctic borders.
The Scrubs had no time to procrastinate or pause
Or it would mean the end of Christmas and Santa Claus.
The Super Scrubs said they would arrive in a flash
Before Donner and Blitzen could bat an eyelash.
They said they would travel faster than car, train, or bus
So they could arrive in time to save Christmas.
And hardly had Prancer laid the phone down to rest
When the Super Scrubs appeared on the nearest snow crest.
Dasher reacted with great surprise
While the other reindeer made joyous cries.
“How did you Scrubs get here so quickly to attack?"
"That's easy," said one Scrub, "We all ran high school track."
They were fast, and they arrived on foot in speedy fashion,
Now they began their planning with enthusiastic passion.
They formed a neat huddle as was usually the case,
And proceeded to make plans for the wild rescue chase.
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Meanwhile McFinch and Shark began to uncoil
Red Tape over Christmas trees on public soil.
They tied up the schools and the parks and the prayers,
They tied up Christmas carols in multiple layers.
They tied Nativity scenes in Red so no one would know
The fabric of giving that the story does sew.
The lawyers silenced the verses about peace, love, and sharing,
But they were sure to leave free most bad language and swearing.
It didn’t take long to get all the Red Tape spread,
And they laughed as they declared that Christmas would be dead.
Returning to the Arctic to check on Santa's plight,
The lawyers did not know they would face a difficult fight.
But the Scrubs broke the huddle, being great dismantlers,
And asked, “Oh reindeer, can we borrow your antlers?”
“Why sure”, said Comet, “but we are not clear,
Why is it that you need to use our Headgear?”
"Come on Dasher and Dancer and Prancer, and Cupid.
You all know that Shark and McFinch are quite stupid.
Disguised as reindeer of very handsome sorts,
We'll surprise McFinch and Shark and their rotten Cohorts.”
Shark and McFinch returned after tying Christmas in knots,
They were tired and cold, and their noses were full of snots.
As the gang of goons returned to the captured sleigh.
They shouted with glee “There will be no Christmas Day!"
"This year on Christmas children's mouths will be agape,
Cause we have wrecked Christmas with our durable Red Tape."
"We spread it everywhere through and through,
In El Cerrito, Lewiston, and Kalamazoo."
Santa was sad and filled with fear.
It was all he could do to hold back a tear.
When what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But seven Super Scrubs -- disguised as reindeer.
They moved very smoothly through the night sky,
Echoing the familiar Christmas reindeer cry.
Shark and McFinch handled themselves with great poise,
They thought it was the reindeer making all that noise.
Both laughed lightly at what looked a funny sight.
“Here come those silly reindeer. Heaven knows they can’t fight!”
The charging Scrub shadows were silhouetted against the full moon.
Shark said to his Cohorts, “We’ll get rid of them soon.”
Their confidence was great, for little did they know,
The strength and courage that Super Scrubs could show.
Shark and McFinch were in for lots of trouble that night.
Reindeer are meek, but how those Super Scrubs can fight!
The Scrubs came in fast, and carefully eyed their prey,
At this point Santa realized, “We might have Christmas Day!”
Shark laughed at the reindeer flying like birds.
“How can reindeer defeat us? They’re weaker than nerds."
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But just then, Shark realized he had something to fear.
“Those animals look too handsome to be Santa’s reindeer.”
The evil Cohorts then discovered they had been misled.
The attackers were not reindeer, but mighty Super Scrubs instead.
Oh how they had been fooled, these sinister Cohorts,
For now it was too late to build protective snow forts.
As the Scrubs zoomed in, each of them bowled,
Large snow balls, into which some of the miscreants were rolled.
While the Super Scrubs were charging through the snow in long leaps
The villains made snowballs, and threw them in great heaps.
With a volley of snowballs the lawyers stopped the advance,
The snow from their shots made the Super Scrubs dance.
The Super Scrubs feigned retreat through the snow,
But of the Scrub plans the attorneys did not know.
The Cohorts let down their guard and returned to the sleigh
To celebrate how they had defeated Christmas Day.
But the Super Scrubs rallied, and charged in once more
With snowballs and icicles and a "Merry Christmas!" roar.
The Cohorts fought back with the dirtiest of tricks.
The Lawyers scratched, bit, and gave shin kicks.
But the Scrubs responded with fast karate chops,
Then they jumped on their foes with Fosbury Flops.
This time the Scrub attack pinned the villains in a vise,
Then locked the Cohorts and Lawyers in a jail made of ice.
Santa was joyous and had great fun,
As he watched the victory being won,
The Scrubs turned their attention to Santa and his sleigh,
For they realized the importance of getting him on his way.
They ungagged him and asked how to untie the strong Red Tape?
Santa said, "I'll say a few words, and you'll see how I escape."
Now the gag was off, and Santa wisely began to speak,
With a common sense so rare it has become quite unique.
"If we have two coats, we should give one to share.
Good ideals are welcome, no matter from where".
The clear common sense that Santa did utter
Sliced through the Tape like a hot knife through butter.
Santa was free, and his sleigh needed to exceed expectations
If he was to cut through the Red Tape spread over all the nations.
Santa thanked each and every Scrub on that Christmas Eve,
But then he became puzzled, at how he should leave.
“How can I hurry? Reindeer aren't fast enough and neither are elves."
“That’s easy,” said the Super Scrubs, “we’ll fly you there ourselves."
So children, now you know a story that is strange but it's true,
About how Santa was saved, and got his presents safely to you.
He was led to your home by the colorful Super Scrub cast,
And his common sense words cut through the Red Tape at last.
The Super Scrubs made sure that Christmas education was completed
And the attorneys-at-law were heroically defeated.