by David Francis

Today I had some free time in between classes and walking by the Union building, I saw a blood mobile parked out front. I thought to myself, "why not donate some blood while I've got the chance?" Well, I had spent the last six days fevorishly studying for a test I had taken the night before, and now I was feeling the need to do some serious clowning around. I'm afraid this made me pretty annoying for the people whose job it was to extract blood from my form. The first thing I did when I got to the registration desk was ask, if this was a blood drive, how much three pints would run me. I even got out my wallet and started to pick through the bills. The guy I was talking to was completely dumbfounded, but the lady working next to him started laughing and he then figured out I was just kidding.

I filled out a few initial forms and then went on to take a seat and waited to be quizzed by the first nurse. She was a bit of a grouch. She actually rolled her eyes and said: "Oh, good grief. . " when the poor guy behind me fainted on being pricked for the initial blood test. As I laughed nervously, she went on to explain that this always happened on the last day of these drives because that's when the cowards finally come out. Anyway I soon forgot all about this other guy's dilema when the nurse proceeded to boldly quiz me about my sex life.

"Have you had sex with a man in the last year?" she asked mechanically. "No." I answered loud and clear so that anyone else in listening range would be sure to here the answer.

"Have you had sex with someone from another country in the last seven years?"


"Have you ever had sex with someone for money or drugs?

"No." I said again.

Okay, those who know me can probably guess that by now I was blushing. I was feeling pretty stupid for blushing, but I have always been a chronic blusher, and there was really nothing I could do about it. She was obviously going to grill on, so I said to myself, "If I am going to look like an idiot anyway I might as well earn it. . ."

"Have you ever had sex with someone HIV positive?"


"Have you had sex with a prostitute in the last six months?"

"Yeah. . .Uh, I mean, no."

"Yes or no?"

"Well, yeah, but we were standing up the whole time."


"Well, you can't STD's if you're standing up, right?"

"Certainly you can!"

"No! Really?"

"Of course!"

"Uh. . yeah. .oh yeah, you're right. I was thinking about pregnancy. My mistake. Go ahead, ask me another. . ."

Well, I was feeling pretty clever, but she looked like she wanted to beat my head in with something dangerously medical. I decided it would be best to just to admit the questions were making me a little uncomfortable and I just wanted to add some leviety to the situation. She remained ice cold. We finished the interview tersely. She then handed my paper with the answers to all these personal questions to another lady who read it over very carefully, and then directed me to an empty chair.

After a short wait, the time came to put on the leeches. The sorority girl who was helping the nurse by the cots asked to have the blood bag they had given me. Out of boredom while waiting, I had tied my hands together with the plastic tubing. "Ever see Dead Ringers?," I asked as I untangled myself from the restraints. Happily for her, she hadn't.

I lay down on the cot and waited for the nurse to insert the needle. She was much nicer than the first nurse I had run into.

"Okay, this will probably sting for a minute." she said kindly.

"I want it to hurt." I said with a stern and ernest face.


"I want you to hurt me." I said again, just as seriously.

At first I thought maybe I had gone too far, but she waited just a second and then started laughing. "Oh, you're one of those kind, huh? Well, let me see what I can do." She pretended to bang the needle against the metal frame of the cot. "There, how about that?"

"Perfect." I laughed. Everyone around us was looking at us rather strangely.

The rest of the session went pretty routinely. The nurse stopped by once again to tell me I had nice veins, and then the escort came and took me to the refreshment table. Once there, another sorority girl asked me if I would like anything to drink. I said I did but that I wasn't sure if they would have what I wanted.

"Well, maybe we do." she said.

"Well, its strange." I answered. "For some reason I have this odd craving for a pint of blood. Do you have that?"

Now I thought that was pretty funny, but she just frowned and said: "No. " I settled for apple juice. Five minutes later I was on my way. All in all, the best experience of blood loss I've ever had.